Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize
