I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
