a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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