You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Randomize
