I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I am spending my child support on dildos
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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