so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
