i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
