i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I will be naked everywhere
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Randomize
