Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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