This is not my ceiling
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
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