Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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