Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
