you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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