I heard we made out
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Randomize
