Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
