hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
