my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
