We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
