why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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