careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
