Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
