Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
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