Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
