I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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