i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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