Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
