By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Drake has all the answers
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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