watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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