Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
