I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
