Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
