Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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