Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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