he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
foreskin is a definite game changer
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Randomize
