he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
