Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
