I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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