i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
