I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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