I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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