I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
So much rum. So many feels.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
