I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
