My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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