I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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