she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
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