My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
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