you traded sex for a burrito?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
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