Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
worst night to have a conscience
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
