maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
