I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
