he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
