I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
