never play flip cup with pint glasses
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Randomize
